With arms outstretched...

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What does he mean "with?"

2004-08-12 - 5:33 p.m.

The doctor enters, and introduces himself. I stick out my hand and shake:

Uh, Shawna. Funny, I thought Iíd met all of the doctors at this practice.

That wouldnít actually be a positive thing would it?

I guess not. Heís not cracking a smile. Uh oh. Clearly he doesnít get me.

So, what brings you here?

Oh, just another UTI. Couldnít he have read the chart first?

So, burning? FrequencyÖ?

Oh yeah, the usual suspects. Well, um, not so much a burning as a slight stinging. I donít always let it get to that point but sometimes I try to tough it out.

surprised look So you get a lot of UTIs?

Again, um, the chartÖ? Well, um, yeah. Well, not always, although I had a lot in university and I seem to have had quite a few in the last while. I donít know why, really because I do all the stuff Iím supposed toÖ [insert babbling whereby I try to sound very knowledgeable but can feel myself turning red and inside I am quaking in my mofo boots in anticipation of this guy not giving me the antibiotics. Bastard.]

Well the urine dip does indeed indicate that you have an infectionÖ

Wha? So you DID read the chart and just didnít want to let on? Is this a GAME to you?

Ö and Iíll have to send it for culturing but in the meantime Iíll write you a prescription.

Thankyouthankyouthankyou! Oh, thatíd be great. Uh, the amoxicillin I had last time is out because you see I had an allergic reaction to itÖ

Yes, I see here that it was given to you because you hadnít had your period as expected* so the doctor was concerned there was a slim chance you might be pregnant?

Oh, no, no, Iím not pregnant. Iím positive.

But youíre trying to become pregnant?

Nope, no, not yet.


What the fuck does that mean? Umm, my husband? Is this any of your business? - wiggles hand to show wedding ring

Oh, no, I meant Ďare you using condoms?í**

Iím only marginally certain that that is any more of your business but Iíll let it slip because you are the purveyor of the pills that will prevent me from tears during peeing every 5 minutes. Yes... among other things but I really donít want to get into an in-depth discussion of this with a strange man.

Are you drinking cranberry juice?

To prevent pregnancy? Oh, to prevent UTIs. Yes. I know all about the cranberry juice. [Yet more babbling on the virtues of cranberry juice.]

So Iíll let you know if the prescription needs to be changed based on the results of the culture but if you donít hear from me you can assume that the Septra will do the trick.

Thanks for seeing me on such short notice and thank God Iím getting outta here. Pharmacy, here I come.


* and still havenít, thankyouverymuch.

** As near as I can figure out, the Ďwithí was short for Ďwith what sort of birth control are you trying to avoid being pregnant?í

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