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Second verse; necessarily same as the first?

2007-11-19 - 3:20 p.m.

Yep, my hair is cut alright. I told the hairdresser what I needed from my hair and she seemed to ďgetĒ what I was saying and took all my instructions into accountÖ except the part where I said I wanted it to be longer for the winter. Consequently, $55 plus tax and tip later, I have a haircut almost identical to the one I gave myself for free last spring. If I wanted ultra-short, slightly-shaggy hair I would have done it myself. Grr.

The fault partly lies with me though: I had a more specific vision of what I wanted (only a small amount off the top and shorter at the back and sides, in a trend towards longer layers that would, by winterís end, end up in kind of a short bob) and should have articulated that a bit better I think. And maybe sheís right and I just look better with this sort of look than I would have with what I actually had in mind. I guess Iíll never know now.


I still donít have an obstetrician, though I found some ratings of a couple of doctors online and have transmitted some suggestions to my GPís office. All I want, really, is a female OB that has privileges at the Queensway Carleton Hospital. That shouldnít be too hard to find, right? This is my second pregnancy, plus Iím good at researching online, so what I really need isnít so much information and worry-allaying so much as someone to keep an eye on my potential for pre-eclampsia until a probable repeat-c at, Iím guessing, roughly two weeks before my due date. Optimistically it might be a bit later, but my latest doctorís visit showing that I already have trace protein in my urine really brought back some ominous memories. This happened last time too and it didnít get above the ďtraceĒ level until a lot later (around 7 months?), but when it did it was one of those ďweíve been trying to ignore it all along but I guess we shouldnít haveĒ kinds of things.

I think itís hard for people, or me at least, to really envision something going a different way than the one we already trod. I know that just because I had certain complications last time itís not automatic that Iíll have the same ones again. Yet itís really hard for me to envision any outcome but pre-eclampsia followed by an early, cesarean birth. And I really want to avoid the part that came between those two things last time, namely the 12 hours of excruciating back labour, and in the end having a panicky c-section because even the midwife thought that the heart-rate tracings were ominous. I just cannot imagine a pregnancy not ending in swelling up like a beach ball, and not recognizing my feet by the 8th month. I canít picture the urine dip not showing more and more protein towards the end, or blood tests coming back all peachy. And I really canít imagine going into labour gradually and naturally and the pain being bearable for a long time before I opt for the epidural, and then actually giving birth without being cut open. I cannot picture that as a possible reality in my head. Because it wasnít like that and itís really hard to see this one as potentially different, kíknow?

Although, I must say, in many ways ignorance was bliss. Looking back on it, having the IV inserted and having that giant needle put into my spine both really hurt, but at the time I was somewhat distracted by the much greater pain of labour. And the post-operative pain was pretty bad, but since it was less than I thought it would be at the time I handled it pretty gracefully. I guess what Iím saying is that this time I know there are things associated with a c-section that are going to suck, and without the distraction of something worse going on with me, Iím really not looking forward to having them jab me with the IV (the part I really mentally hated the most to be honest, it gave me the heebs to have that thing in there and I asked the nurse if it could be removed every time I saw her after the birth), or the epidural (it took several tries for them to get it in last time because they kept hitting my spine. shudder)

Still, once that babyís in there, itís got to come out somehow, right? And thereís no painless way for that to happen. I should be (and am when I remind myself) grateful that I at least live in a time where there are effective pain relief options, primitive though they may come to be considered years hence. And even more grateful that situations such as the one I found myself in when trying to give birth to Grommet donít often lead to death, because I would not be at all surprised to be told that, 200 years ago, one or both of us would have died.

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