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Melon collie baby.

2010-10-20 - 8:22 p.m.

It has been so long that I canít even remember where I last left off. In the last two months Iíve been relatively isolated from computers during the day, so I havenít really had a chance to write down the things I contemplate.

I miss it, the chronicling of my life, my kidsí and familyís lives. I think itís possible that maybe, just maybe, Iíve spread myself to thin. I know Iíve rhymed off the list of my many commitments before (in case you forgot: two jobs, my photography business and the Etsy shop, website, and blog that comes with that, my two small kids who get me for the waking evening hours, various side projects such as my diptych project Ė now also sadly neglected Ė and my poor husband, also sadly neglected these days), hoping people will understand why Iíve turned my back on this poor, secret corner of my internet life. In fact, Iíve neglected other corners, though probably not in equal measure.

Letís see:
There was an outbreak of head lice at my kidsí daycare. They seem to have escaped unscathed, but we still treated in case there were nits we couldnít find in their hair. Weíll treat again this weekend (my poor daycare woman was so freaked out when she found something in her hair after all the kids had been treated that she shaved her head) and Iím hoping thatís the end of it.

Iíve turned 38. On the 9th in fact, so less than a week ago. And while I donít feel old, exactly, I look at pictures of myself and see that they no longer match my mental image of what I look like. Itís not just the fine lines appearing on my forehead and at the corners of my eyes, the shape of my face looks somehow different. I mean, the ass getting bigger I can understand (damn my motherís addiction to baking combined with her willpower not to eat said baking *shakes fist*), but my face shape? Itís not that I think my face looks fat, itís just, I donít know, different somehow. Older yes, but still not as Iíd picture myself older.

Iím trying to embrace middle age. Accept it with arms open wide. Up with laugh lines and children growing up! But that means acknowledging that that means Iíve got about as much time left on this earth as Iíve already spent. Maybe a bit more, but not a whole lot. And the fact is, deep down, that scares me a bit. Maybe more than a bit. And if time is passing for me, itís also passing for the people I love, and that scares me a whole lot. My grandmother celebrated her 87th birthday on the last weekend in August. She swims every morning in the summer and drives herself down from Montreal to Ottawa every couple of months, bringing her homemade chocolate cake for occasions. And each time I eat more cake than I should because I think to myself, how many more of Grannyís chocolate cakes will I get to eat?
I know, Iím probably making myself unnecessarily melancholy with this line of thought. Fall often does that to me I think.

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