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Mo' babies?

2009-03-24 - 11:58 a.m.

I was reading and entry on All & Sundry in which Linda talks about finally knowing that her family is complete and that she won�t be having any more kids. As I mentioned in her comments section, I wish I was as sure as she is. I went on to say,

�To think of never holding a fat warm fuzzy bundle of baby - MY baby - again breaks my heart. But I�ve had two dreams I was pregnant again and was startled at how visceral my no, no, NO reaction was.�

It�s true. While I pass on some of my kids� baby clothes, I cannot bear to part with my absolute favourites. While J is certain he�s done and is threatening to get a vasectomy, at the back of my head a little voice whispers, �But maybe� someday� How can you think of being totally done?� And yet, yet� I just don�t see us having more kids. I�m 36 and with our fertility issues (see, oh, the last 4 years of entries), minor though they may be, even an accident is unlikely. Oh, I know that we�re not going to actively try for another baby. But maybe active avoidance isn�t something I�m worried about. Certainly permanent active avoidance freaks me out a little. What if, as Linda puts it so well, we�re not all here yet?

But really, I suspect we are. I�ve never thought that I wanted to have babies after 35 � not that that�s a bad choice, just that it�s not my choice � and I�d probably be at least 38 by the time I�ve stopped breastfeeding, started ovulating, managed to have an unplanned pregnancy (and yes, I�m aware how �managed to� and �unplanned� are kind of contradictory), and given birth (by unplanned, painful c-section again, by the way). Having another baby in my life? A squooshy, smiling, fragrant baby? Wonderful! But having to go through the process to get that baby? Not so wonderful. And I�m not sure that I�m willing to do it again.

Maybe it�s time to start the process of accepting that yes, we are indeed all here, and savour the bit of Biscuit�s babyhood that�s left to me and look forward to the new adventures ahead as my babies become toddlers, then preschoolers, then, um well, I�m not sure what the next step is called, but then tweens, teens, and then the young woman and man they�ll eventually be. I know that new challenges await, but I also know that new delights are coming too.

But I�m not giving up the cutest, dearest baby clothes just yet. They�ll still be cute a few years from now when I�m ready to pass them on. Um, or when I give them to my babies� babies and say �your mommy/daddy used to wear this�, whichever comes first.

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