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Not positive anymore.

2007-09-07 - 10:12 p.m.

If I hadnít taken the test on Tuesday, Iíd just think I was late.

I wish I hadnít taken the test so that I could be in blissful - if slightly frustrated at the lack of effectiveness of the Clomid - ignorance right now. But I did take the test. I had two days of jubilation to savour, and google, and calculate due dates, and contemplate when I should start maternity leave and whether I should opt for a planned c-section or try for a VBAC, and start compiling a list of potential names.

There are those who would tell me that I was far, far too optimistic and that I should have waited awhile for any of that. Maybe theyíre right. But my problem has always been getting pregnant and the only other time Iíve ever managed it I stayed pregnant. I didnít really think it would be fair to have any problems staying pregnant if it was so hard to get that way in the first place. Of course, life is not always fair and I know many wonderful online writers that have problems both getting and staying pregnant, and it was probably hubris to think I couldnít possibly be affected by both things.

When I saw my basal body temperature had dived this morning I knew that that was that and the end was coming.

I had told my boss that I was expecting right away the morning after I first took the test. I figured heíd be the one okaying all the extra time gone from work for the doctorís visits and tests, one of which was that ill-fated blood test that same day. I will always be grateful for his gentle compassion when he sent me home today and told me to take a day or two off work after Iíd emailed him to tell him what the test results were. I just couldnít say it out loud for fear of losing it. As it is, I lost it anyway when he read my email with me there and closed the door and handed me a tissue.

I couldnít, as heíd suggested, go home because home right now is with my mom and Jís dad, and we hadnít told them yet and I couldnít bear their sympathy so we didnít tell them at all. I went to the Market for a croissant and then to the theater to see the latest Harry Potter movie. It was good but sadly it will be unforgettable to me for the wrong reasons Ė it was there I started spotting and cramping.

It could be worse. Much worse. I cannot really fathom, even now, the pain of having a miscarriage much later, after youíve heard the heartbeat and told everyone. To have lost a baby or a child later, in childbirth or even after youíve held your son or daughter in your arms, well, that is unimaginable to me.

Iím grateful that I only knew a short time and that the fetus was so close to the start that I wonít even recognize it as such and it will probably just pass from my body during what I would have thought was just a late period.

Iím grateful that I can find something to be grateful for, Ďcause otherwise, this pretty much sucks. Iím not normally an emotional, tearful person, but Iíve found myself welling up often in the last 24+ hours.

Despite this, I hope we can move on and keep trying again soon. Because the elation I felt when I was pregnant? Well, that was definitely a sign to me that weíre on the right path by trying. And through it all, I know that if we donít succeed weíre still lucky enough to have a wonderful daughter already.

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