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Great mysteries that keep me up at night. Okay, not really, but I do want an explanation.

2005-07-08 - 11:54 a.m.

I have a few questions and, if youíre normally a lurker, hereís your chance to actually provide me with some answers and introduce yourself. Seriously, hit the "contact me" link and stick ďjournalĒ in the title to make it through my spam filters if you have an answer to any of this for me.

I would swear sometimes that my boobs look bigger, and other times they totally donít. J has said heís thought the same thing. So does anyone know if itís possible that my size could be going up and down? I always thought they were supposed to incrementally get bigger in pregnancy and stay bigger until the breast-feeding stage was over.

I am starting to get some dreams that are vivid enough that I actually remember them the next day. While Iíve had this happen from time to time in the past, I think itís becoming a more frequent occurrence lately, which fits in with what the books say to expect in pregnancy. This brings me to another question Ė when you dream, are you always you in the dream? Because I rarely am. Of dreams that I remember, mine are more like watching a movie most of the time and I suppose my unconscious assumption is that Iím the main character Ė who is just as often male as it is female. Is this weird? Iíve never felt so female as I do now when Iím pregnant, but Iíve often in the past thought how it was a shame that I wasnít born male and I have a lot of aptitudes and personality traits that are traditionally considered to be desirable in guys. (Pattern recognition, for one, is considered to be a more typical ďmaleĒ strength (stated as a given here but with no supporting evidence to back this up), yet itís one that various tests have identified as one of my strongest areas. And Iím considered to have quite a strong personality by most Ė a trait more admired in men then women.)

Am I unconsciously suffering from some sort gender identity crisis? Or is the main character male because heís the ďheroĒ of some of the movie-like dreams and Iím identifying with being the hero, regardless of gender? My concept of gender-identification is maybe a little more flexible than most: when I was very young, I wanted to be a cowboy when I grew up. I was most emphatic when questioned on this. I did not want to be a cowgirl, I wanted to be a cowboy because, I explained with the exaggerated patience of a seven-year-old, cowboys had all the fun ridiní the range, while the cowgirls had to stay home and take care of the ranch house. Itís not like Iím inhabiting the body of these male characters in my dreams Ė maybe once or twice ever. And when Iím experiencing a dream from within the body of the main character I suppose it is usually female and often, though not always, me. Still, when I was a teenager I was talking to my then-boyfriend and we were agreeing that flying dreams were the bestÖ but then it came out that he was always flying in an aircraft (he had his glider-pilotís license) and I was talking about flying under my own power like a super hero. We each thought the other was a bit strange for that. So am I the only one who is not myself, or even always a person whoís my gender in my dreams? Really, I want to know.

Why is it that in an office building where people have to at least look civilized there can be women who have such atrocious bathroom habits? Many a time Iíve heard a woman exit a stall and head straight for the door without washing her hands. Iíve even seen it, and I would have thought that at least when they know someone is able to identify them theyíd be mindful of keeping up appearances. And yesterday? This is the grossestÖ I was lowering myself towards the seat and barely grazed it when I realized Iíd forgotten to check and wipe it. I sprang up, turned around and was SO glad my spidey-sense had kicked inÖ THERE WERE CRUSTY BROWN BITS ON THE BLACK TOILET SEAT! UGHHHH!!! How, HOW does one miss the bowl like that? And then to not clean up after yourself? It puts the ďickĒ in barbaric! *shudder* I cringe to even think of how close I came to sitting on it. Donít the mothers of ALL women teach them basic bathroom etiquette? I just donít get it.

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