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Be careful what you wish for.

2005-06-26 - 12:21 a.m.

You know how the other day I was writing about how unreal the pregnancy still seems to me? Well it turns out that nothing brings home the reality of the fact youíre pregnant quite so much as the fear of losing it.

The day before yesterday I noticed a light beige tint that would normally, for me, precede the end of a cycle. While both the internet and my fertility doctor have reassured me that itís nothing to worry about, both caution that if it turns bright red and/or I get major cramping I should head straight to emergency. Sadly, the internet also hints that if it comes to that point there wonít be anything that the hospital can do to help me.

Needless to say, I slept fitfully last night and my dreams were filled with me running around looking for washrooms in which to check for bright red blood. Inevitably, I eventually find it and then freak the fuck out. Fortunately, my waking checks have only noted a slightly darker beige from time to time and Iím still hoping that nothing is truly wrong.

When I was on the Pill 24/7 with no week off, ever, I actually got this same thing happening from time to time. Since that situation mimics pregnancy, I supposed itís not too far fetched to think that now that I actually am pregnant, I should find the same thing happening. Still, I will be one relieved chyck when I can actually get some proof that Grommet is still doing okay. My first prenatal visit is this Thursday and Iím hoping that, because of the Clomid if for no other reason, my doctor will order an ultrasound to check how things are progressing and if thereís more than one proto-baby in there. I doubt she will though, sheís ruthlessly practical and if thereís a standard date to do it coming up Ė say, at the 12-week mark Ė she wonít likely have one before then as well.

In the meantime, I hope I sleep better tonight. My paranoia is such that Iím easing off the pregnancy reading for tonight and choosing an evolutionary biology novel instead. That oughtta put me right out.

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