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To tell or not to tell.

2005-06-23 - 12:11 p.m.

I’m now at day 38 post-ovulation / seven weeks and two days in obstetrical terms. Grommet will be the size of a pea this week. You can see check out his or her alien-looking features and a scientific description of what’s going on in terms of development on this handy site. I think (s)he’s somewhere around stage 16, coming up on stage 17 this weekend.

As for me, I’m spending a lot of time feeling vaguely nauseous but, thankfully, am still not throwing up. I got some Lactaid to deal with all the milk I’ve been having to drink and has been upsetting my tum a bit, so it may improve. Or it may not; we’ll see. All my clothes still fit and I don’t think there’s any obvious changes to my shape, even in my form-fitting gym stuff. I think I may have gained a couple of pounds but it’s due, no doubt, to the constant grazing and the really rich menu of last week (beaver excepted of course). I have not-so-great-skin days, but that’s no different from what happens in a normal cycle for me.

It’s funny but instead of getting more real, this pregnancy is actually a little less real than it was at the very beginning. I think it’s because I haven’t gone through any new changes since the initial onset of nausea and odd-feeling boobs and belly, so I’ve just gotten used to these things as part of my state of “normal.” I know exactly what all those women mean who have said that they kind of want some symptoms, even if they’re not all that pleasant. Mentally, I’m adjusting to the idea as well, so I’m not as constantly stifling the compulsion to blurt it out to people. When something’s new and big, I wanna TELL, but when it becomes more “just the way it is,” it’s not as difficult. Also (a confession), I feel guilty about the fact that I’ve told a bunch of people and J hasn’t been able to tell anyone. You see, I have support network that includes a number of people, mostly women, who have known that we’ve been trying for a long time. And, of course, these people ask how the efforts are going. And I can’t LIE to them, can I? My boss knows as well since she’s the one who’ll be letting me go to prenatal appointments during work hours and will have to cover for me if, heaving, I have to dash from a meeting with no warning.

The thing is, J doesn’t have an equivalent set to talk to. His friends are on par with the friends I have that I’m not telling until after the first trimester’s over and all the testing has been done and we’re in the clear. He doesn’t have a boss to tell, he is the boss. He didn’t talk to people about the trying, so there’s no one asking him now who’s not just being nosey about why two married people our age aren’t starting a family yet. We’re waiting to tell his sister and her husband until we see them in person in July, just as we’re waiting to tell my sister for the same reason.

The fact is, many, many more people know than I wanted to tell, but when you’re on a course which includes activities which have specific restrictions around what pregnant women can and cannot do, well, it becomes pretty obvious who’s following those restrictions. For example, I couldn’t participate in the sweat lodge ceremony but, unlike women on their “moon time” (who were banished to a separate tent), I was allowed to be outside the sweat lodge and throw tobacco on the fire when it was called for. I suppose I could have elected to cloister myself in the other tent, but since I was already missing out on what was touted as the “culmination” of the week, I wanted to at least see what I could and participate to the extent I was allowed. So, as a result, 25 or so of people who are merely acquaintances got to find out before we could even tell most of our immediate family.

And of course, the internet knows, but I don’t really mind that for some reason.

Maybe when I do start getting some new symptoms which make my gravid state more real to me I’ll have to wrestle down that impulse to tell more people. Right now, I’m a little “told” out.

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