With arms outstretched...

Compartment 14B

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Whistling past the graveyard.

2005-04-11 - 11:13 a.m.

I�m okay with things that are far off; I don�t worry about them excessively or even think about them all that much. I�m also fine with putting things off when I know the outcome will be good. For example, I don�t even want to open gifts early on my birthday (after dinner is the �proper� time) or Christmas (Christmas morning of course). I never even wanted to as a kid. And I certainly would never have deliberately gone looking for hidden gifts ahead of time; it was the delicious anticipation of what might be that was as enjoyable as the actual gifts themselves.

That having been said, I am not known for my patience in matters where the outcome is both unknown and imminent. And the more major the unknown, the longer �imminent� becomes. When I teach a class at the gym, I have a rough idea that things will go smoothly, but since I don�t know for sure (Will my battery die? Will I forget any choreography? Will I trip on my way to or from the stereo? Will I really connect with the class tonight or will it just be a humdrum experience for my participants?) it�s the last 10 minutes or so before the class starts that I get antsy. This week I�m trying hard not to think about the fact that we�ll be getting some of our test results back THIS FRIDAY. Adding to this feeling of wanting to know RIGHT NOW DAMMIT, is the fact that the tests are done and someone knows our results already � someone who doesn�t even care � so why, oh why CAN�T WE when they�re OUR RESULTS?

Yet, at the same time, I could call and get the facts early. They would probably give me the numbers themselves, though not the interpretation of the numbers � but hey, what�s the internet for if not to tell you if your partner�s swimmer count is within normal parameters? Am I right? Huh?

So why don�t I make the call? Why instead do I sit here, torturing myself with trying to not think about it, even though this very post is evidence that I�m failing at that? Maybe it�s because that, as long as I don�t know the answers, there�s the possibility that they�re all good news. Maybe I don�t want to get disheartening test results or, worse, find out that they�re inconclusive and don�t give a clear direction on where to go from here. Maybe I want to stick my fingers in my ears for the next four days and �La, la, la, I�m not listening, and shut up, things will so be fine.�

Denial. It�s not just a river in Egypt.

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