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And so it begins.

2004-09-01 - 1:40 p.m.

This is the first of, I suspect, many entries that will have to remain hidden until I’m comfortable sharing this process with the world. As I’ve documented in this journal, I went off the Pill in mid-May. After the initial period that follows going off the Pill, I waited to start my own natural cycling. And I waited. And waited some more.

What I don’t think I’ve said before is that I went off the Pill because we wanted to get pregnant and the doctor told me to wait three of my own cycles before trying. My schedule-obsessed and dictatorial nature had done the calculations; “let’s see, 3 cycles at 28 days each… and we’d like to start trying in mid-August… we should go off the Pill in May.”

The best laid plans of mice and men…

Of course, Mother Nature didn’t jump when I said Froggy so three months after I went off the Pill I finally got my first on-my-own period and even then, it was the most lame excuse for a period I’d ever seen. Where was the blood and gore and furious tamping to staunch the flow? Practically nothin’ is what it was.

What to do? It’s been only one cycle but it took three months! If the next were anywhere near as long, we’d be waiting ¾ of a year to even start trying, and we’d maybe risk missing a window or three where conception could happen in the process.

So we made what we think is the most rational (and fun!) choice – start tryin’ baybeh!

This past Sunday, the 29th of August, we bit the bullet and had our first go at it. At 31, it was the first time I’d ever had sex with no form of birth control in my life.

My take on it? Scary. Fun(!), but scary.

The prospect of first pregnancy, then birth (eek!), then becoming a mom is a bit daunting, as I think it would be for most women. Will I be good at it? Will my kids be screwed up by me? Will they be screwed up despite my best efforts and intentions? Birth hurts? Just how painful are we talking here?

Then things started being driven home to me this week. I got a slight headache and realized that if it was a migraine coming, I couldn’t stave it off with my usual medication. Maxalt is far, far too new a drug to risk taking it during pregnancy. I often get coffee with coworkers; would they think something’s up if I switch to decaf? Mind you, I cut a couple of what I thought were conspicuous inches off my hair this week and they didn’t notice. I teach a weight-lifting class at least twice a week; should I be modifying or cutting down?

This morning I went to the doctor’s office to ask about what I should do for migraines now that we’re “trying” and was told that she wouldn’t recommend taking anything at all. Tylenol was to be used as a last resort. She also referred me to a website/helpline called Motherisk www.motherrisk.org that could answer my questions on prescription drug effects, reminded me to take my folic acid, told me to contact a midwife as soon as I discovered I was pregnant if I wanted to go that route, weighed me, and wished me luck. I surprised myself by tearing up a bit (and have now officially entered the “is this a sign?” mindset) when I shook her hand before I left. I’m not normally given to being terribly sappy or sentimental.

I don’t know yet whether I’m going to have a hard time conceiving or not but this is the beginning of a long road regardless. I hope it’s towards starting a family and that it’s not one that travels down the path to dealing with infertility but there’s no way to know that yet. I’m poised at the brink of something. For all I know, we hit the jackpot last Sunday and we’re already over that brink.

Wish us luck.

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