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My darling, my Stairmaster.

2004-02-23 - 3:57 p.m.

A couple of weeks ago, a friend of mine reported having an orgasm while on the stair climber at her gym. This was confessed with a slight blush, though she couldn’t keep a grin off her face. In five years of using this piece of equipment, this had never happened to her. Had I, she inquired, had a similar experience?

“Mmm. Well, no. But man, I’d be the fittest woman in the world if that worked for me,” I declared. “Could you imagine? I bet the whole population would be in a lot better shape. Obesity wouldn’t be the problem it is in North America if using the stair climber always had that effect.”

Thinking about it now though, I wonder if that’s true. We are a pretty repressed lot, after all. If the stair climber was commonly known to cause orgasms, would people still use it at the gym? Would they be afraid of putting on an unintended show or that people would watch them extra-closely to see if they were getting lucky on the equipment? Women in particular often already feel self-conscious exercising without worrying about being caught orgasming in public. And what, they might think, would people think? That they’d intentionally used it in hopes of getting off? What kind of pervert do they think I am?

Gyms would probably get rid of equipment that members didn’t use or might even accuse of being obscene. Stair climbers would start to be sold in sex shops instead of exercise equipment stores, and people would be embarrassed to own them. It’s not like you can stash a stair climber under the mattress or in a shoebox with other, more discreet paraphernalia after all.

The only way for all this uproar to be avoided is if, in fact, the number of people who can have such a positive response to the stair climber is small enough for it to remain a rare thing, or at least a well-kept secret. It’s too bad really; it seems like it would be the best of all worlds to me and something that I at least would appreciate, and in seven years of using the darn thing, nada.

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