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Mo' babies?

2009-03-24 - 11:58 a.m.

I was reading and entry on All & Sundry in which Linda talks about finally knowing that her family is complete and that she won’t be having any more kids. As I mentioned in her comments section, I wish I was as sure as she is. I went on to say,

“To think of never holding a fat warm fuzzy bundle of baby - MY baby - again breaks my heart. But I’ve had two dreams I was pregnant again and was startled at how visceral my no, no, NO reaction was.”

It’s true. While I pass on some of my kids’ baby clothes, I cannot bear to part with my absolute favourites. While J is certain he’s done and is threatening to get a vasectomy, at the back of my head a little voice whispers, “But maybe… someday… How can you think of being totally done?” And yet, yet… I just don’t see us having more kids. I’m 36 and with our fertility issues (see, oh, the last 4 years of entries), minor though they may be, even an accident is unlikely. Oh, I know that we’re not going to actively try for another baby. But maybe active avoidance isn’t something I’m worried about. Certainly permanent active avoidance freaks me out a little. What if, as Linda puts it so well, we’re not all here yet?

But really, I suspect we are. I’ve never thought that I wanted to have babies after 35 – not that that’s a bad choice, just that it’s not my choice – and I’d probably be at least 38 by the time I’ve stopped breastfeeding, started ovulating, managed to have an unplanned pregnancy (and yes, I’m aware how “managed to” and “unplanned” are kind of contradictory), and given birth (by unplanned, painful c-section again, by the way). Having another baby in my life? A squooshy, smiling, fragrant baby? Wonderful! But having to go through the process to get that baby? Not so wonderful. And I’m not sure that I’m willing to do it again.

Maybe it’s time to start the process of accepting that yes, we are indeed all here, and savour the bit of Biscuit’s babyhood that’s left to me and look forward to the new adventures ahead as my babies become toddlers, then preschoolers, then, um well, I’m not sure what the next step is called, but then tweens, teens, and then the young woman and man they’ll eventually be. I know that new challenges await, but I also know that new delights are coming too.

But I’m not giving up the cutest, dearest baby clothes just yet. They’ll still be cute a few years from now when I’m ready to pass them on. Um, or when I give them to my babies’ babies and say “your mommy/daddy used to wear this”, whichever comes first.

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