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RIP microwave. And Charred! Product!

2008-10-02 - 3:36 p.m.

Two things today. First, my microwave, after years of faithful service, has given up the ghost. I made the mistake of setting it to a power level of 1 to time something the other day, and it’s now stuck there. I mean, I can heat something up if I put it in for, like, 15 minutes, but at that point I might as well use my stove.

I bought this microwave in 1994. I was in third year university and it was my first big kitchen-appliance purchase. I used it for years, then 5 years ago I moved into a house with a microwave hood-fan and gave it to a friend of mine. He used it for a few years, then returned it when he bought a new one to match his stainless-steel décor. We pressed it into use again when we moved here a year ago.

It still looks fine and not dated at all: it’s clean, compact, and still modern-looking and was one of the earlier models with a revolving glass plate – a design still used today. Until this week it heated up a slice of pizza in about forty seconds. It was a great buy and doesn’t owe me a thing after all these years. I’m sorry to see it go. Since I don’t think anyone, however, will want a microwave that heats things to “tepid” after several minutes, I’m kind of at a loss as to what to do with it. Compact as it is, it seems too big and full of metal to send to landfill. I guess my best bet would be to see if there’s an appliance recycling depot to drop it off at.

Funny thing actually: when we put it on the counter in the new house I casually mentioned that I’d bought it when I lived with Steve. “Who’s Steve?” my husband wondered. I gaped at him. “Steve? The guy I was with for 3 years in university?” “I lived with him for, like, a couple of years?” “There was some talk at one point about us getting married?” Nope. All were met with blank stares. Apparently I’d never thought to mention this particular Fellow From My Past before. Ooops. I actually felt kind of guilty for poor old Steve, that after being thought of as a Significant Relationship at one point, he’d been reduced to a footnote that wasn’t even important enough to mention to my husband until four years after we’d gotten married. Sorry Steve, wherever you are. But if you’d remained friends – or at least in touch – with me like most of my exes, well, you would probably come up in conversation a lot more.

Thing Number Two: Sometime back I found something, well, kind of gross looking in my corn chips (brand name withheld). Gross enough that I called the 1-800 number to tell them about it.
- Yes, I’m calling because I found, well, now I know it’s not actually this, but well, it looks like, um, a small turd in my chips.
- A what?
- A turd. You know, a piece of poo.
- …
- I know it’s not, but really that’s the best description. It’s like a mini piece of poo, covered in cheese dust. It’s, like, about an inch and a half long.

They wanted to know if I would send the “artefact” to them and to facilitate this they sent me a pre-addressed, pre-paid envelope. (This arrived with a few Here! Have a few free bags of chips! coupons.)

Off it went and this week I got a follow up. They stated, “The sample we examined… appears to be a Charred Product.” I love the capital letters they used for this, by the way, as if it was a proper name. They didn’t specifically agree that it looked gross, but they did throw in some more free chip coupons. (Trust me though, it was gross enough that I took a picture and will still refrain from posting it.)

Certainly not, ahem, related to this, I’ve found a mesmerizing, time-wasting game on the Flat Earth website. Enjoy. Or shake your fist at me for introducing you to it. Whichever.

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