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I'm too old for teenage angst.

2008-08-15 - 9:40 p.m.

I have to admit that Iíve been feeling not entirelyÖ hmm, how do I put thisÖ happy? No, thatís not it, because I certainly know that my life is blessed in many ways. ÖSunshine and roses? Well, who is when theyíve got a baby in the house? ÖSettled, maybe. Itís like, Iím going crazy watching the days just flow past and I want to be doing something useful to differentiate one day from the next, (other than tending to Biscuit, which I realize is useful but itís also kind of brain-numbing after a while) but also want to sit on my ass and devour all three seasons of House on DVD. My anxiety for activity is there, but my get up and go got up and went.

I think itís maybe at least partly because I do finally feel mostly recovered from my c-section and want to be back to my old self NOW dammit. Trouble is, my old self was 10 lbs lighter, went to the gym several times a week, and had a well-paying, intellectually-stimulating job where she was respected by her peers and bosses.

Donít get me wrong, there are moments of heart-twisting happiness all the time; Biscuit has started smiling and cooing and ohmigod heís just so cute and yummy when he does that. But heís also still crying and contorting every evening to the point that one of us has to pop him in the carrier and walk for pretty much at least an hour and a half, and he still hasnít realized that those tentacles that wave in front of his face are his hands so he canít do anything to occupy himself at. All. Not to mention, when he does get upset his hands Ė topped with nails that seem to stay sharp no matter how much trimming and filing I do Ė start to windmill and itís like holding a tiny little thresher to my bosom. On purpose.

To be honest, I donít think my current overall mood is dictated one way or the other by my kids, except to the degree that my hormones are being affected by my post-partum state. How do I know thatís happening? All that hair that was retained during my pregnancy has started falling out.

I guess I just feel like Iím waiting for something, but I donít know what. And I donít know if itís something I can hurry the journey towards, or if I even want to or should just chill and savour. Iíve still got most of a year off and, to be honest, this is a year during which I really thought Iíd kind of find myself and decide what I wanted to do work-wise for the next phase of my life (i.e., the one in which I have my kids and Iím not trying to get pregnant anymore, and donít anticipate taking further advantage of my employerís ridiculously good maternity benefits). Instead I just feel stalled; dispensing milk and watching too much TV while time slips by. And itís not like Iím not grateful to have the luxury of this time Ė I am Ė I just donít want to waste it.

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