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To wean or not to wean, or, I never thought I’d write about my boobs so much on the internet.

2007-01-28 - 9:01 p.m.

Grommet is officially over a year old. Technically I could wean her at any time and still be lauded by most for having “persevered” for as long as I did. After all, I’ve met the minimum recommended target of a year: far more than many mothers. And her top teeth are growing in and, even though she doesn’t actually bite me, they’re making feeding less comfortable because they press into me when she sucks. More importantly, I know I can’t move forward with our plans for conceiving again until I wean.

But here’s the thing, weaning and putting her in her own crib at night go hand-in-hand. If she can just roll over and demand the boob in the middle of the night it would be a hard, hard thing to deny her, particularly if my valuable sleep is hanging in the balance. And I love sleeping with her.

Moreover, at the end of a long day, when she’s cranky and tired and frustrated and wailing, and her dad can’t make a dent in the noise or tears flowing, no matter how much he tries, there is just such an overwhelming feeling of relief when I lay her in our nest, tug off our bulky winter outer layers, yank up my shirt, and… immediately her wails are silenced, I curl around her as she settles in, warm and baby-smelling, her little shins and feet tucked up against my thighs, her tiny hands patting or laying against my belly or sometimes cupping my boob on either side like she’s drinking from a big mug. Slowly I feel her body relax and the rhythmic sucking starts to lull me into sleepiness too. Eventually either she breaks her latch or I break it, or, even better, she falls so deeply asleep that her tiny mouth goes slack and lets go on its own. She only wakes briefly to get her “fixes” of milk and reassurance that I’m still there throughout the night, and I don’t mind trading those short sleep interruptions for the closeness of having her there with me.

In truth, it breaks my heart more than a little to contemplate giving that up.

So yes, I want a sibling for Grommet. And yes, that will mean weaning her. But I don’t think I’m quite ready to do it. Soon, I tell myself, soon. But not yet.

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