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3 years / 34 years.

2006-10-08 - 8:26 p.m.

Well, well, well. Here I am on the cusp of my 34th birthday. This meansÖ yes, I just checked and yesterday was my 3-year anniversary of starting this journal. It feels like time has been passing so fast, yet when I look at all thatís happened since starting this journal, so much has changed that it canít possibly have only been three years! (Oddly, I think I felt the same last year when I hit the 2-year mark.)

While I didnít chronicle the two years prior to the start of this journal, I do have to add that when I look at my life now vs. 5 years ago, itís like half a lifetime has passed, and to compare now to when I turned 24? I honestly believe I was a different person then. You could not pay me enough to go back and live through my 20s again. Well, not if I had to re-live them as they were; if I could take everything I know now back with me that might be a different story, so long as I still got to meet and marry J at the end of it.

I donít mean to be titillating by saying all this and then not go into details (Hee. Titillating. Iím so 12.) but letís just say that I did a lot of stupid things in my 20s. Like, as in, it may have been justified to mistake my life for a giant train wreck, injured passengers included, at a couple of points there. There were times I was very, very unhappy. There were times I even doubted Iíd make it out of my 20s. There were certainly times that I probably tempted someone else to ensure I didnít make it out of my 20s by throttling me, even if I didnít do myself in.

But I survived. I grew. I learned. And itís so hokey to say. but I am a better person today as a result of being a bad person in the past. Itís not like I killed anyone, but I certainly hurt at least one person enough that I think he still has trouble forming any serious attachments Ė and this is a guy whoíd wanted kids asap when I met him.

See, I had a long history of being a serial dater. My big drawback was that my boyfriends were like links in a chain, and, of course, to form a chain the links have to overlap. If I wasnít happy in a relationship I found another one to go to before I ended the last one. Iím not proud of that fact; Iím just saying that thatís the way it was. And it definitely, finally, blew up in my face in my late 20s, which finally cured me of the inclination permanently.

So itís not that I would not ever cheat on J, itís that I will not ever, which, my friends, is a much more solid promise. The former is said by someone who may not know what theyíd be capable of in the wrong circumstances; the latter is said by someone who knows and is therefore painfully aware of what they must guard against.

Whew, I most definitely did not set out to make this entry into some sort of confessional, though thatís sort of how it turned out. I think Iíll post it anyway, though I do want to say one more thing before I do: 29 was a bigger deal to me than 30 because it meant I only had one year left to do the things I wanted to do before turning 30. By the time 30 came it was too late to worry about such things and I was frankly too busy anyway. Now that Iím about to be 34 tomorrow and thinking about being 35 in another year, I feel kind of like I did when I was 29, but itís really more about my family plans. I always thought Iíd be finished having kids before I turned 35. This leaves me only about 3 months to get pregnant again if Iím going to hit that self-imposed, arbitrary deadline. Weíre already not using any protection, but since I havenít even started cycling again, weíre not likely to be successful, especially if you take our past difficulties into account. Dr. Hubris wonít even make another appointment with us so long as Iím breastfeeding and I want to do so for at least another few months. Itís a frustrating prospect but at the same time I know that even if weíre never successful in having another child I wonít feel like Iím missing anything, and having Grommet is so rewarding she alone would ultimately be enough. But man, it doesnít stop me from wanting to at least try for a sibling for her.

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