Compartment 14B
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3 years / 34 years. 2006-10-08 - 8:26 p.m. Well, well, well. Here I am on the cusp of my 34th birthday. This means� yes, I just checked and yesterday was my 3-year anniversary of starting this journal. It feels like time has been passing so fast, yet when I look at all that�s happened since starting this journal, so much has changed that it can�t possibly have only been three years! (Oddly, I think I felt the same last year when I hit the 2-year mark.) While I didn�t chronicle the two years prior to the start of this journal, I do have to add that when I look at my life now vs. 5 years ago, it�s like half a lifetime has passed, and to compare now to when I turned 24? I honestly believe I was a different person then. You could not pay me enough to go back and live through my 20s again. Well, not if I had to re-live them as they were; if I could take everything I know now back with me that might be a different story, so long as I still got to meet and marry J at the end of it. I don�t mean to be titillating by saying all this and then not go into details (Hee. Titillating. I�m so 12.) but let�s just say that I did a lot of stupid things in my 20s. Like, as in, it may have been justified to mistake my life for a giant train wreck, injured passengers included, at a couple of points there. There were times I was very, very unhappy. There were times I even doubted I�d make it out of my 20s. There were certainly times that I probably tempted someone else to ensure I didn�t make it out of my 20s by throttling me, even if I didn�t do myself in. But I survived. I grew. I learned. And it�s so hokey to say. but I am a better person today as a result of being a bad person in the past. It�s not like I killed anyone, but I certainly hurt at least one person enough that I think he still has trouble forming any serious attachments � and this is a guy who�d wanted kids asap when I met him. See, I had a long history of being a serial dater. My big drawback was that my boyfriends were like links in a chain, and, of course, to form a chain the links have to overlap. If I wasn�t happy in a relationship I found another one to go to before I ended the last one. I�m not proud of that fact; I�m just saying that that�s the way it was. And it definitely, finally, blew up in my face in my late 20s, which finally cured me of the inclination permanently. So it�s not that I would not ever cheat on J, it�s that I will not ever, which, my friends, is a much more solid promise. The former is said by someone who may not know what they�d be capable of in the wrong circumstances; the latter is said by someone who knows and is therefore painfully aware of what they must guard against. Whew, I most definitely did not set out to make this entry into some sort of confessional, though that�s sort of how it turned out. I think I�ll post it anyway, though I do want to say one more thing before I do: 29 was a bigger deal to me than 30 because it meant I only had one year left to do the things I wanted to do before turning 30. By the time 30 came it was too late to worry about such things and I was frankly too busy anyway. Now that I�m about to be 34 tomorrow and thinking about being 35 in another year, I feel kind of like I did when I was 29, but it�s really more about my family plans. I always thought I�d be finished having kids before I turned 35. This leaves me only about 3 months to get pregnant again if I�m going to hit that self-imposed, arbitrary deadline. We�re already not using any protection, but since I haven�t even started cycling again, we�re not likely to be successful, especially if you take our past difficulties into account. Dr. Hubris won�t even make another appointment with us so long as I�m breastfeeding and I want to do so for at least another few months. It�s a frustrating prospect but at the same time I know that even if we�re never successful in having another child I won�t feel like I�m missing anything, and having Grommet is so rewarding she alone would ultimately be enough. But man, it doesn�t stop me from wanting to at least try for a sibling for her.
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