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Compartment 14B

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Pa-ra-noi-a will de-stroy ya.

2005-07-20 - 4:27 p.m.

Bonus points for naming the band Iím quoting in the title.

I feel like I should write about something other than the pregnancy but itís been preoccupying my thoughts lately. I will mention that Iíve been told that the midwife will bust out the Doppler and try to locate Grommetís heartbeat for us tomorrow. I explained over the phone that yes I realize Iím being paranoid but ever since the spotting and the doctor asking if I still felt pregnant, there have been days when I really donít feel pregnant and my nausea has pretty much abated and my boobs donít hurt and theyíre not any bigger and that What to Expect When Youíre Expecting book just freaked me out even more when it tried to reassure readers that ďsilent miscarriagesĒ are extremely rare and sometimes accompanied by a beige or brownish discharge, which was exactly what I had, and then pregnancy symptoms go away (and ISNíT THAT KIND OF WHAT IíVE BEEN SAYING IíM EXPERIENCING FOLKS?), and I would just find it really reassuring if she would at least listen for the heartbeat.

So sheís going to. Whew. Maybe Iíll have something good to tell you on Friday. Or maybe Iíll be freaking the fuck out because she couldnít find it (not a guarantee at 11 Ĺ weeks) and Iíll have to wait a WHOLE OTHER WEEK until the ultrasound.

I know Iím not the only woman who has this particular fear. But while itís haunting me, thereís a small, insistent voice in my head telling me that Iím not really pregnant, Iím just getting fat because of all the food Iíve been eating. And whatís worse, I kind of believe it. And I want to shut that little voice the hell up, thankyouverymuch.

I read sites of women who have rented Dopplers for this stage of their pregnancies. I used to shake my head at it. Now? I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND and I am sending out a general apology for ever thinking they were unreasonably paranoid. The paranoia karma gods have boomeranged me for it. Paranoia, thy name is now Shawna.

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AnnnndÖ the weather. The last conversational refuge of the Canadian desperate for small talk. I love me some heat folks - as anyone who has heard me whining all winter will attest to - but the sheer swampiness of the last few days even got to me. Today, however, it has dried up and is a beautiful, beautiful day. The kind of day I live for. Yet where am I? Inside an office building using my precious post-workday free time to write to yíall. I hope you appreciate it.

This weekend Iím planning on heading off to the Womenís Voices Music Festival at the Beantown Ranch with a couple of my friends. I think Iíve been to all of these annual Festivals except the first one, and itís become a tradition over the years. Last year the festival was cancelled due to some funding issues so Iím glad to see itís back on again this year. Iíll probably just go up for Saturday afternoon and evening but itís a great atmosphere and I always come back feeling like Iíve been steeping in estrogen. One year I inadvertently counteracted the effect by heading straight to target shooting with a bunch of my male buddies, but generally, I like letting it soak in. I take in some music, do a little skinny dipping, attend a workshop or twoÖ should be good. Maybe Iíll have some non-baby-related stories for you for next week. One can always hope...

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