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The Ghost in the Stick.

2005-06-07 - 10:19 a.m.

The following was written on Tuesday, May 31, 2005.

Saturday:

I took the home pregnancy test. I was disappointed to see the one, and only one dark line appear. I was putting it down when I did a double-take. There, if I looked near the area but not directly at it, I thought I saw the faint outline of a second line. It was reeeeaaaaallly faint though. So faint that I figured it was probably wishful thinking.

Rather than toss it, I stashed it in my bathroom drawer under a magazine*. Over and over Iíd return and take it out. Was it a line? Wasnít it a line? Damn it, I needed to know! I was running a 10K that evening! I was going to the cityís biggest and best yard sale that morning and would be passing up the chance to get great bargains. Last year Iíd just gone off the Pill and was eyeing all the baby stuff. It was a bitter pill to swallow that a full year later, I still wasnít justified in buying any of it. I went to the sale and tried to keep my eyes averted from the cribs and strollers that were on display.

I ran the 10K that evening, always mindful of that faint hint of a pink line. The one I was sure Iíd talked myself into thinking even existed. I ran but I didnít run to the point of really pushing it.

Sunday:

I peed on another stick. The verdict, maybe a marginal difference Ė I could look straight at the ghostly outline without it disappearing. I took a permanent marker and wrote the date on the back of each of the two tests and stashed them both in the drawer. From time to time Iíd take them out and see if I could tell which was the more recent by looking at the little window, then Iíd turn them over to read the dates. I was mostly right.

Monday:

I had no sticks left.

Thatís okay, I reasoned, if I am pregnant, waiting a day between tests will only give my body more of a chance to register the change and produce more hCG (human chorionic gonadotropin), so Iíll actually have something definite to look at when I take the next one. Even knowing this, I made a special trip to the store to pick up two more tests that evening while J was at hockey.

To be continued...

Before - After


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