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Compartment 14B

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Whistling past the graveyard.

2005-04-11 - 11:13 a.m.

Iím okay with things that are far off; I donít worry about them excessively or even think about them all that much. Iím also fine with putting things off when I know the outcome will be good. For example, I donít even want to open gifts early on my birthday (after dinner is the ďproperĒ time) or Christmas (Christmas morning of course). I never even wanted to as a kid. And I certainly would never have deliberately gone looking for hidden gifts ahead of time; it was the delicious anticipation of what might be that was as enjoyable as the actual gifts themselves.

That having been said, I am not known for my patience in matters where the outcome is both unknown and imminent. And the more major the unknown, the longer ďimminentĒ becomes. When I teach a class at the gym, I have a rough idea that things will go smoothly, but since I donít know for sure (Will my battery die? Will I forget any choreography? Will I trip on my way to or from the stereo? Will I really connect with the class tonight or will it just be a humdrum experience for my participants?) itís the last 10 minutes or so before the class starts that I get antsy. This week Iím trying hard not to think about the fact that weíll be getting some of our test results back THIS FRIDAY. Adding to this feeling of wanting to know RIGHT NOW DAMMIT, is the fact that the tests are done and someone knows our results already Ė someone who doesnít even care Ė so why, oh why CANíT WE when theyíre OUR RESULTS?

Yet, at the same time, I could call and get the facts early. They would probably give me the numbers themselves, though not the interpretation of the numbers Ė but hey, whatís the internet for if not to tell you if your partnerís swimmer count is within normal parameters? Am I right? Huh?

So why donít I make the call? Why instead do I sit here, torturing myself with trying to not think about it, even though this very post is evidence that Iím failing at that? Maybe itís because that, as long as I donít know the answers, thereís the possibility that theyíre all good news. Maybe I donít want to get disheartening test results or, worse, find out that theyíre inconclusive and donít give a clear direction on where to go from here. Maybe I want to stick my fingers in my ears for the next four days and ďLa, la, la, Iím not listening, and shut up, things will so be fine.Ē

Denial. Itís not just a river in Egypt.

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