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Test #1. Drat.

2004-09-13 - 6:04 p.m.

Following my philosophy from my last pregnancy-related entry, I did the first pregnancy test this weekend�

Negative.

And for some reason, I�m not surprised.

In fact, the initial Ohmigod, I�ve had unprotected sex! I might be pregnant RIGHT NOW!!! feeling has been replaced with a more blas�, Who me? Pregnant? Nah, surely hasn�t happened, lassitude.

This might be because my husband is so cool-as-a-cucumber about the idea. Oh sure, he wants kids and, hey, when I say we�re �trying� (wink, wink), I don�t mean that I�m poking holes in the condoms with pins � he knows that pregnancy is a possibility at any time. We make corny jokes about porn plots involving �sperm delivery�*, for goodness sake. But he just can�t seem to get excited at the idea that I could already be pregnant. He knows that the odds are against us conceiving that quickly and easily, and it�s my own fault for trying to spare him getting his hopes up by telling him about how it often takes 6 months or more to get pregnant after going off the Pill. He knows that it took 3 months just for me to get my first period on my own and he knows that means that it�s unlikely I�ll suddenly start cranking out eggs on a perfect 28-day cycle and thus it was unlikely I was ovulating when we started �trying�.

But still�

I kind of wanted him to get a teeny bit excited. Maybe even start occasionally petting my belly and looking hopeful? Instead his demeanour conveys that this clearly isn�t real to him and he admits that he �needs proof� before it will be.

And I fear that attitude is kind of rubbing off on me. I�m eyeballing coffee and white bread again. I do my full weights during my class without thinking about it. I�m not really haunted by the SIGN mentality - if I�m tired, maybe just I didn�t get enough sleep. Sometimes a cigar is, after all, just a cigar.

It was kind of fun in a breathless, scary way, to be thinking constantly about the possibilities. After all, the Canadian culture (and American I�m sure) drills the following into teenage girl heads: �BEWARE! If you have sex, even ONCE, without protection, WILL get pregnant!� That mentality stays with us, right through into our breeding years. Then, if we don�t get pregnant on the first try, it seems odd. I expected the fear, the excitement, the squee, not this small ambivalence germinating inside me, whispering �You�re not pregnant and you never will be. Your life will just continue onwards as before.� Certainly I didn�t expect it so soon.

-------------

*(Knock, knock) Who is it?

muffled voice Sperm delivery.

But I didn�t order any sperm!

Well this is the address I was given so you might as well have it, I can�t take it back�

Bow, chicka, pow�

Before - After


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