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Test #1. Drat.

2004-09-13 - 6:04 p.m.

Following my philosophy from my last pregnancy-related entry, I did the first pregnancy test this weekend…

Negative.

And for some reason, I’m not surprised.

In fact, the initial Ohmigod, I’ve had unprotected sex! I might be pregnant RIGHT NOW!!! feeling has been replaced with a more blasé, Who me? Pregnant? Nah, surely hasn’t happened, lassitude.

This might be because my husband is so cool-as-a-cucumber about the idea. Oh sure, he wants kids and, hey, when I say we’re “trying” (wink, wink), I don’t mean that I’m poking holes in the condoms with pins – he knows that pregnancy is a possibility at any time. We make corny jokes about porn plots involving “sperm delivery”*, for goodness sake. But he just can’t seem to get excited at the idea that I could already be pregnant. He knows that the odds are against us conceiving that quickly and easily, and it’s my own fault for trying to spare him getting his hopes up by telling him about how it often takes 6 months or more to get pregnant after going off the Pill. He knows that it took 3 months just for me to get my first period on my own and he knows that means that it’s unlikely I’ll suddenly start cranking out eggs on a perfect 28-day cycle and thus it was unlikely I was ovulating when we started “trying”.

But still…

I kind of wanted him to get a teeny bit excited. Maybe even start occasionally petting my belly and looking hopeful? Instead his demeanour conveys that this clearly isn’t real to him and he admits that he “needs proof” before it will be.

And I fear that attitude is kind of rubbing off on me. I’m eyeballing coffee and white bread again. I do my full weights during my class without thinking about it. I’m not really haunted by the SIGN mentality - if I’m tired, maybe just I didn’t get enough sleep. Sometimes a cigar is, after all, just a cigar.

It was kind of fun in a breathless, scary way, to be thinking constantly about the possibilities. After all, the Canadian culture (and American I’m sure) drills the following into teenage girl heads: “BEWARE! If you have sex, even ONCE, without protection, WILL get pregnant!” That mentality stays with us, right through into our breeding years. Then, if we don’t get pregnant on the first try, it seems odd. I expected the fear, the excitement, the squee, not this small ambivalence germinating inside me, whispering “You’re not pregnant and you never will be. Your life will just continue onwards as before.” Certainly I didn’t expect it so soon.

-------------

*(Knock, knock) Who is it?

muffled voice Sperm delivery.

But I didn’t order any sperm!

Well this is the address I was given so you might as well have it, I can’t take it back…

Bow, chicka, pow…

Before - After


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