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January 12, 2003

2004-01-12 - 9:07 a.m.

I wrote the following entry at one swoop and then hesitated at posting it. In the end, I decided I wanted to launch it out there into the ether, much as I would wish aloud upon a shooting star when no one was around. Canít hurt to send that vibe out, right? The fellow itís for will probably never see it but who knows what serendipity may bring about. Firstly though, I want to make myself perfectly clear Ė I love my husband and not a day goes by that I donít marvel at my luck in meeting him. I do not pine for this other in any way and my regret in the way things went is not the ultimate outcome, but the path we traveled to get there. SoÖ

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There was a boy; there was a girl. They met. He was living carefree, but she was entering a time of shadows. In the beginning, everything seemed surmountable, all the differences, the oil-and-water friends. The darkness was pushed back. Then it wasnít. And even then, the darkness seemed to provide a contrast against which the many moments could shine, like stars spangled across the night sky. There were times apart that were grim and in their joy at seeing each other at brief intervals, it escaped their notice that the few prolonged times together were, in fact, even more grim.

Eventually she was consumed and flailing and, not knowing how to reach out for help from the blackness, she lashed out instead. The boy was hurt. Terribly. The girl as well, though it should be mentioned that even if she deserved it more, she did not deserve it entirely.

Time passed, they tried to mend, to find a way to be in each otherís company and still be content and whole. Life got in the way and they did mend, but apart and slowly. Eventually there was no common ground on which to build a friendship without effort and it is an effort neither will likely make. Old wounds run deep and both had been changed by the process. The girl feels that the change in herself has been much for the better and that she has become more than she was; she fears that the change in the boy has not, and feels guilty still for her part in that change.

Happy birthday Kevin. For what itís worth, I am still sorry, still wish it had been otherwise and, most of all, I wish for you to find the same happiness that I have, the happiness that you, when all was said and done, deserved more than I to find.

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